Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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