I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
two words: eviction party
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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