then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
