My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
