Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
i came on her dog
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
