No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
