So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Randomize
