Umm I'm too high to move.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
