i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
