Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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