Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
