He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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