I can tuck mytits in my pants
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder meâ€
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