Don't make out with my wife yet
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
