he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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