Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I checked into jail on foursquare
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
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