the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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