I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
