i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
