I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Randomize
