i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
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