Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
