i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
