My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
