after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
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