just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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