my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
there is glitter all over my balls
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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