Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
