Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
