I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
