last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Randomize
