I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Randomize
