Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
