if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
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