So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
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