you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
