she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
