I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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