so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Randomize
