Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
