She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
