Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
splinters make it hard to masturbate
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
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