Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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