Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
