dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
As shirtless as possible
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
i think im in europe. pls send help
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
