Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
