so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
