after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
