If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
