when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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